whilst I was painting

We converse as we live by repeating, by combining and recombining a few elements over and over again, just as nature does when of elementary particles it builds a world. -William Gass

Whilst I am painting -a deux mains- my brain sorta just spins and I oft turn on my brain-thought bit which usually just spins on a nice idle cycle, yet when I am painting it sorta turns on fast an starts spinning around very fast what with the junk one thinks about when not thinking.

I like to engage the thinking an give it some juice an it can sometimes come up with something but sometimes I don't get the thinking part, like I don't push the button in all the way in and so my brain is spinning fast no juice.  And it fries out.

It's a bummer.  Feels like I'm I don know maybe like 12 or something.  Takes forever to fix it let me tell ya.  The spinning tears off all the outer cleverness and sophistication an it gets caught by some stupid visual clue an it tears the whole layer of smartness type stuff.  Then next you lose all manners and forget the most elemental of social nicety.  Often You've gotta take it out and get it rebuilt before it can work again.

That is the best time for painting though.

It's funny though cause when I'm done painting I often feel like a savage like some werewolf that's been out ravaging the countryside...and when I get back I can't remember what I did.  And when I look all I see are three or four stupid little paintings.  They are so tame.  Nothing else has changed at all.

I wish painting itself had a great story to tell a sort of mirable dictu ...but it doesn't seem to nowadays.  It  seems more like some mad experiment carried out high up in a ruined castle, one that almost always fails and leaves only the jottings of an absent-minded twelve year old in his notebook.

Only in dreams, in poetry, in play do we sometimes arrive at what we were before we were this thing that, who knows, we are. -Julio Cortazar

To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is only the end of life.   -Robert Louis Stevenson